Dear President Trump,
As a proud fourth-generation Floridian, I applaud your decision to switch your official residency to our state. Welcome! You’ll fit right in here.
Florida has long been refuge for folks who want to put behind their shady pasts and make a brand-new start. That’s what brought my people here in 1886. You know, back when they were letting just anyone in this country. We’ve worked hard. We’ve done OK. And some of us are still pretty shady.
I’m not implying that there’s anything shady about your past. Or your present. Or your future (good luck with those pesky “I” hearings.) I’m just saying we Floridians appreciate all the shade we can get. So come on down for good. Bring extra sunscreen.
Let your critics whine about how this is all about you not wanting to pay New York taxes. Idiots. Everyone knows you don’t pay taxes, at least not at the percentage level we suckers pay. Maybe we can learn something from you. And if that doesn’t work out, maybe you can pardon us.
Clearly, you are switching states simply because you love it down here. The heat, the bugs, the humidity, the fact that Mar-a-Lago will come tumbling down when the Atlantic Ocean rises to claim it within the next century. But no worries. At least, Donald Trump IV won’t have to pay inheritance taxes. And hallelujah! No more property taxes. Forever and ever. Not that it’s about taxes. It’s about your deep and undying love for our state. And it has absolutely nothing to do with Florida’s 29 votes in the Electoral College.
Are you aware that there’s an entrance exam to establish Florida residency? It’s true. Look it up on Facebook. But don’t sweat it. As the “most stable genius of all time” you’ll breeze right through. Let’s get started:
1. The state song of Florida is:
a. “Old Folks at Home,” by Stephen Foster.
b. A relic of post-Civil War sentimentality that originally mentioned “darkies” in its lyrics.
c. Don’t worry. I can get Kanye to write us a new one.
2. The capital of Florida is:
a. Tallahassee.
b. Stuck way up in the Panhandle thanks to pork-barrel politics and antiquated demographics.
c. I’m thinking a huge building with a gold dome would look good at Doral.
3. Authentic key lime pie should be:
a. Pale yellow, no whipped cream.
b. Bright green, with whipped cream.
c. Orange! What the hell is wrong with orange?
4. My favorite Buffett song is:
a. “A Pirate Looks at Forty”
b. “Cheeseburger In Paradise.”
c. Warren Buffett is a loser who gives away all his money and can’t carry a tune.
5. U.S. Rep. Matt Gaetz is:
a. The representative of Florida’s 1st Congressional District, which stretches from Pensacola to Destin.
b. An ardent Trump supporter and the recipient of 16 speeding tickets, a DUI charge that was strangely dropped, and who grew up in a house in Seaside featured in “The Truman Show.”
c. One heckuva guy, although I had no idea he had ties to a Democratic president.
6. Paula White is:
a. A TV evangelist, former pastor of a megachurch in Apopka that espouses the “prosperity gospel,” President Trump’s personal pastor and, as of this week, the Trump administration’s special adviser to its “Faith and Opportunity Initiative.”
b. Thrice married, once led a church that later went bankrupt and has mentioned plans to start her own university (sound familiar?)
c. Blonde.
7. And Paula White’s husband, Jonathan Cain:
a. Is keyboardist for the rock group Journey.
b. Wrote “Don’t Stop Believin’,” which has been a campaign song for Bill Clinton, John McCain and Mitt Romney.
c. Really? One of the worst songs ever. She’s no longer my pastor or adviser. I just fired her.
8. Ron DeSantis is:
a. Governor of Florida.
b. An ardent Trump supporter who campaigned with a slogan of “Backed by the big man himself” and who accepted campaign money from the same recently arrested Florida-based men who were helping out Rudy Giuliani in his shadow government exploits.
c. Hmmm, never heard of him.
9. In 2018, Floridians voted by a 65% margin to restore voting rights to 1.5 million convicted felons. The Florida Legislature subsequently passed restrictions requiring felons to pay all fines and fees before they could vote. Last week, a judge overturned those restrictions, saying they were unconstitutional. I think:
a. Popular votes matter.
b. The courts should decide, even if it adds 1.5 million more Democrats to the rolls.
c. The only good tax is a poll tax.
Scoring: Again, no sweat. We’ll ask the Russians to grade it.
Bob Morris was a columnist at the Orlando Sentinel from 1985 to 1994. He is the author of 15 fiction and non-fiction books and president of Story Farm, an Orlando publishing company and public relations firm.
